Aren't jokes supposed to be funny?

Besides you got the punchline wrong, the punchline is "Because he's a dick".

Why does Big Ears have big ears?

Because he's a cunt

because he's a.... oh wait

Haha. Yeah he definitely is!

I maybe a cunt... but you're all batty

You can tell when Owen gets annoyed, because he starts accusing everyone of being gay.

Q: Why does Owen get annoyed when people call him a cunt?

You know the answer...

i thought badgers were cute...

Quote:
Badgers screech and fight in the night and keep me from my beauty sleep, perhaps thats why so many end up as roadkill! Karma!

And why?

Because they're cunts!

Quote:
Badgers screech and fight in the night and keep me from my beauty sleep, perhaps thats why so many end up as roadkill! Karma!

heaven help anything that stops you getting your beauty sleep. wot a selfish thing to say. they are wildlife and have more right to be there than you or me.. man has invaded their space and driven them into the towns. to say that inconsiderate people in their cars killing these beautiful animals is karma, shows your mentality..

yeh, but I think it changed from a Joke thread into an insult Owen thread.

Right so back to the jokes...

Whose got one?

I see a pattern emerging here...

I m not sure I dare enter this thread every one but Jayc has been insulted is that because you all know what he could do to you…. But if you want a lol.. here a few real ones
Tuesday last week my dyslexia caught me out, I end up making a drink from caffeine powered thinking it was some thing else …lol could not sleep ..Wednesday was so tired .. that, when I went Kayaking .. I for got my kayak… well you may not lol but it makes me lol .. and please don’t call me a cunt as well ..

Jesus goes into a hotel and puts down three nails on the counter.

The perplexed bell-boy asks "Is there something I can do for you?"

Jesus replies "Can you put me up for the night?".

boy says to gran, " have you seen my little pills nan? they have 'lsd' on them.."

Nan replies "F**k the pills boy have you seen the dragons in the kitchen"

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

Try this one then...

An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; what
number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22!
My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

An Irish double whammy for you:

Number 1:

>A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
>Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
>measles and my mum said it was contagious.""Well done, Roland," says
>the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with
>pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's
>contagious.""Well done, Katie," says the teacher.

>"Anyone else?"Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,
>"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and
>my dad says it will take the contagious."

Number 2:

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian"? Demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"



Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well no".



Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French"? "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well no, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.



So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"



The assistant replied:



"Because you're in Homebase"

ROFL +1 jeniffa, because I've heard both those irish jokes before.
Keep em coming though.

You cheeky munki, if your going to cut'n'paste stuff at least have the decency to take the superfluous symbols out!

Oh yeah its a laugh alright.

How about this one?



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a football."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a pair of football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "£750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your footy stuff, let's go outside and have a kick around eh?"

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my football and my boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "£1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"

You like that, dig this then...

While on tour and taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods
drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish mann er, unaware who the golf pro
is. "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

How does a police woman part her hair?

"Evening all".

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"

as told by my 11 years old daughter..

theres a vicar stranded in the ocean..
a boat comes along 'can we help you aboard' says a crewman..
'no it's ok' says the vicar, 'God will save me'

a while passes and a second boat comes along,
'come aboard we'll get you home safe' says a crewman,
again the vicar says
'no thank you God will save me'

a short time passes and a thrid boat comes along..
'let us help you' beg the crew.. 'night is falling,'
again the vicar refuses saying,
'no thank you.. God will save me'

shortly after the third boat leaves the cold night water take the vicars life.. as he gets in to heaven he approaches God and says, 'i have served you all my life, been faithful and true.. may i ask, why didn't you save me??

to which God replies.. 'i sent you three boats, what more do you want!!'

At a concert in Ireland

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop clapping your hands.....!"

You Got To Love the Irish!

*Passes* 'SamIam' a new barrel and a barrel bottom scraper.

Thats so terrible it is actually funny.
Get ready to duck the barrage of rotten tomatoes though.

A man is out driving happily along in his car late on saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and says "Have you been drinking, sir?"

The man says "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," said the policeman "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passengers seat which gave it away"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual,'' l have a headache''

''Perfect,'' her husband said……..

'' l was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin……

You can take it orally, or as a suppository,………lt's up to you.''

I want an emo lawn. It cuts itself

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

a guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll...
the shop keeper asks..." wot you want mate.. muslim or non-muslim"

a guy says.."wot the difference?"

shopkeeper replys.. "the muslim ones blow themself up!"

Why did George Michael not get to eat his chocolate?

'Cos he was careless with his Wispa!

*ducks rotten tomatoes

another festive one:

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.


The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."


The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.


"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."


The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. "In honor of the season", St. Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks him.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

"What do they symbolize?", St. Peter asks.

"They're Carol's!"

Q. How do you get a drummer off your doorstop?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

Three Religious Truths

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Jehovah's Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porno shop.

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.

WOMAN: doctor, i want my tits to grow on my face!
DOCTOR: why??
WOMAN: so people can look at me when i talk to them!!!!

Doctor looks up IMMEDIATELY.

A guy staggers into a church, having severe difficulty keeping himself upright, knocking pews over and generally making an annoyance of himself.

Eventually he lurches into the confessional, slams the door shut and begins a long period of moaning and groaning.

"Can I help you, son?" inquired the voice through the grill.
"I dunno, you got paper that side?" came the reply.

More band jokes...

How do you get two guitarists to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stairway to Heaven ?
Apparently all of them.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a singer!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.

What do drummers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass players arm?
A tattoo.

and my personal favourite...

What's the difference between a bull and a band?
The bull has the horns in the front and the arsehole in the back.

man 1: knock knock
man 2: whos there?
man1 : i smell of per........
Man2: i smell of per....who?
Man1: haha! I know u do.

2 cannibals eating a clown.
One says does this taste funny to you?

(Starts running from the inevitable pelting of rotten tomatoes)

Yes! hahahaahaa +1

Quote:
2 cannibals eating a clown.
One says does this taste funny to you?

(Starts running from the inevitable pelting of rotten tomatoes)

+ Did you hear about the clown who got kicked out of the circus? He's suing for funfair dismissal.

+ How to you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

Q. Whats the difference between a Green Day tribute band and any number of fundamentalist religious organisations?

A. One wants cult status ....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and Being a Little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?


'Breast-fed,'she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He Pinched Her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while In a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, 'No wonder this Baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Q: What do bass players use for contraception?
A: Their personalities.

;)

LOL +1

I was in London today and there was a group prtesting outside Houses of Parliment.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for Alzheimers!"
"When do we want it?"
"...is it time for my tea yet"

Oi!

Q. Whats the difference between a guitarist and a puppy?

A. Eventually the puppy will stop whining...

touche

Ha ha ha! You know I love you really!

Q. What do you call those sad types who insist on hanging around with musicians?

A. Drummers

Double whammy for you:

1) Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid” she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.


2)
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get

condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some

brought up to the register.



She asked, 'What size condoms?



The customer replied that he didn't know.



She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the

counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

'One box of large condoms, Till 5.



The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of

us, was up for a cheap thrill.



When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had

forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to

the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he

didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him

a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of

medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had

seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live

female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he

told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to

drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up

the intercom and said...


'Mop and bucket, Till 5

* Throws gauntlet unremorsefully

Just a couple

James Blunt , Britney Spears and Westlife Are On A Sinking Ship Who Gets Saved?

The World Of Music

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes over to learn more.


"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the man behind the desk.


The Job Centre assistant sorts through his files and replies, "Oh, yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."


"You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."


"There's an annual salary of £45,000, but you're going to have to go to Carlisle."

"Oh, why, - Is that where the job's at ?" he asks.


"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

RAWR +1

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the disgusting pig I've had to endure shagging".

"Its not a pig, its a duck" says hubby,
she replies, "I was talking to the duck"

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

£ 124,237.64. pounds'

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

A Scotsman is talking to a Frenchman and says:

'Have you ever tried Haggis?'

The Frenchman says 'yes'

'what did you think of it?'

'At first I thought it was shit, but I was disappointed when I discovered it was not' Answers the Frenchman

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"




Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"